My other friends are rocking it off stage as well.  There is a comic strip artist being born in one.  She is so amazingly talented and funny, she amazes me all the time.  One is showing her great leadership in her activities at school.  One is involved in a sorority and probably just being super awesome.  My newest friend in this group just got accepted into the Disney college program.  And so many others are making a name for themselves.  We are all making our mark.  This good news gives me hope that our futures will be bright and that maybe life won’t be as hard as I’ve anticipated it to be.  And my best friend; well he blows me away almost on a daily basis.  He works harder than most people would expect him to or would give him credit for.  He’s paving an amazing future for himself.  I could not be happier each time he brings me good news.  I admire him for working so hard and pushing himself to his limits; probably more than I would like to admit haha.

Things seem to be going pretty well for me right now.  I mean, this week may kill me because I have so many things due and so many tests… but I think I’ll live.  I’m going to Boston in less than three weeks with two pretty awesome people.  I’m in a show and I love the fact that I’m acting again.  Today was our first day “on our feet.”  I can’t describe how amazing it felt to be up there.  It’s just a fun show.  I love that I can try something new every time.  And the best part is my character is developing into me haha.

I just get a little worried when things are so good.  The higher you climb, the harder you fall.  I hope this lasts.  Or when I do have to come down, I hope it’s  a gradual descent.  I’d rather not crash and burn.  I’m getting pretty excited to start anew next fall.  I think I’ll do well.  I’m finally getting comfortable with myself.  Gah. This entry is so poorly written and stupid and mushy and random.  I just wanted to write.  I’m so happy right now.  So proud.

Maybe I’ll edit this later and make it more entertaining.

The heavens at my birth intended me for stardom. Rays of light shone down on me and all my sins were pardoned.

If my high school-self could see me right now I’m not sure what she would think.  To be honest, she would probably be shocked at some of the things that I’ve done of over the past year and a half or so.  High school me was starting to accept herself.  She was finally realizing what made her, her.  But she was still very guarded and uncomfortable.  She was scared to take chances, to trust people, and most of all, to believe in herself.  She was her worst critic and in many ways the person holding herself back.  I don’t want to get too off topic, but confidence in myself is one of the biggest differences I see in myself since high school.  And I can say that going into callbacks for The Bald Soprano and The American Dream this Sunday, I was pretty confident.  I didn’t have the best initial audition and I was well aware of that, but once I got a callback, I knew I could do it.  I sat in that box of a room and didn’t even feel like I was at an audition.  I was calm, collected, even joking around the entire four and a half hours.  In the past I’ve shut off during auditions.  I’ve crawled inside my head and stayed there for the entire process.  But not this time.  This time there was just something in me that knew it would all be okay.  I walked up for my first read and the nerves hit me, but not nearly as much as usual.  Instead of overwhelming me, they taunted me from afar … and soon enough I completely forgot about them.  I finished that first scene and I was proud of myself.  I knew I did well.  I knew it.  For the first time I walked back to my seat and felt like people were impressed with what I had just done.  I sat next to my friend and he just confirmed it for me.  I value his opinion more than most and I finally felt like I deserved his praise.  My confidence faltered little through out the entire callback process.  I watched girl after girl step up to the battle field that is the audition stage and I saw myself strike them down one by one.  I couldn’t believe how confident I felt.  I had one of the best auditions.  For the very first time ever, I knew I was going to get a part.  I walked out of the callback only frustrated by the fact that I had to wait three days to see my name on the cast list.  This feeling was so foreign, but I quickly grew accustom to it.  I began to speak as if I had already been given the part.  I even referred to it as my show.  I was looking forward to it so much.  I was going to have fun.  I was going to be cast along side my friend and we were going to be amazing.  Together we were going to steal the show.  I knew it.

Confidence is a difficult animal to deal with.  The more confident you are, the harder you fall.  I experienced this feeling to this degree for the first time.  This was the first new emotion I encountered over the past few days.  Today I anxiously awaited for the cast list to go up.  Of course I had some “what if” thoughts.  What if I didn’t see my name?  It would be completely horrible if the first time I had this intense confidence in myself, I was completely wrong.  Upon opening my email I was prepared to be hit with a new emotion if it happened to present itself.  I was prepared to face the opposite of confidence, I guess.  To feel completely let down, but something in me knew I wasn’t going to have to deal with that emotion just yet.  Something in me knew I would see my name.  And I did.  There my name was… The American Dream…. Mommy – Kathleen Verbo.  My chest swelled with pride, well, in myself.  And then… well and then I was hit with an emotion I really hadn’t even prepared myself for… You know that friend that I wanted to be in a show with so badly?  His name wasn’t there.  I was in shock to be honest.  I couldn’t believe it.  For a split second I was elated, but then I was dropped.  I have this habit of worrying about other people, maybe too much sometimes.  I sat in shock for a minute, then shut the laptop and pushed it towards my brother.  ”I’m going to find him,” is the only thing I said before rushing out of the cafeteria.  I didn’t care that I made the play.  I didn’t care that my new found confidence had been proven justified.  I felt robbed to be honest.  And I know that is so amazingly selfish of me, but I did.  Of course I was worried about him.  I didn’t have it in me to tell him myself, I let him look at the list.  I didn’t even want to see his face when he read it.  I felt horrible.  But I stood there and realized that my dreams of stealing the show with him were impossible.  I had created this scenario in my head and was so confident that it was going to work out.  I couldn’t believe how unfulfilled I felt.  This new emotion hit me like a speeding bullet.  Person after person congratulated me, but what I was feeling was nothing like how I expected to feel.  The picture I had painted in my head didn’t look anything like this.  I think I might have been more disappointed than him.  I know what it’s like to be in that position, I’ve been there before.  But I’ve never been here.  I’ve never been on this side of the line.  I’ve never had to see my friend’s face go blank as someone walked up to me and congratulated me with him by my side.  I didn’t know what to do.  To be honest, I just wanted to hug him… I think that was partially for me too.  I was upset for him, for me.  If bittersweet could have a video next to it in the dictionary… it would be this situation.  I was supposed to be happy.  I was supposed to be all smiles.  To be telling all my friends and calling my mom.  But I couldn’t.

I found out I got a role 11 hours ago and I haven’t felt happy about it since that first second that I read my name.  It’s the first time in a year and half that I’ve been cast in a show and I’m not even happy.  My family is giving me every reason not to do the show.  They didn’t even congratulate me.  Not a good job or we’re proud of you.  Nothing.  So when I pictured myself sitting at my computer the night after getting cast in this show, I didn’t expect to be crying.  I didn’t expect to feel like this.  To be so confused, frustration, unfulfilled… whatever word describes… this.

Emotions are crazy things.  I’ve felt so many new ones over the last year… some pretty intense ones too.  But this, well this I just wasn’t prepared for.  The only thing I can compare it to is how I felt after I completed my last color guard competition in high school,  but it’s still not even close to that.  I guess life will just continue to surprise me.  New feelings will just constantly be hurtled my way and I’ll just have to accept them and deal.  I can’t say how this whole thing will turn out.  The only thing I know is that I like my picture a whole lot better than this one….

(tentative lyrics)

We made a plan that was subject to change, so whatever way it works out we both get the blame.

I’m growing up.  And as juvenile as that statement sounds, it’s absolutely true.  I’m at the point in my life where I truly am finding out who I want to be.  It’s strange, but my outlook on somethings is being less romantic and other things more so.  I’ve had really good friends pretty much my whole life.  And I was lucky enough to have amazing friends pretty much since 8th grade.  But people change.  And I change.  I’m finally starting to accept that I may not be best friends with my current best friends for the rest of my life.  I hope that I know them for the rest of my life and I hope we stay in touch, but life is forever changing.  And forever is a long time.  But I’ve become way more romantic with my outlook on life.  I’m not really sure if I can put into words exactly what I mean.  I just want to be happy.  I know that sounds so basic and, in some ways, so ambiguous, but that’s really it.  I’m realizing that things aren’t holding me back as much as I thought they were.  Or rather, I can’t let them hold me back.  I need to take hold of my own life.  Huh. Now I’m just rambling.

I could never sum up the last 8 months.  I’m just in a very strange time of my life.  This is my transition year.  I’m trying to discover what makes happy or at least what I absolutely don’t want out of life.  It’s been a bumpy last 4 months, full of highs and lows.  Sometimes I’m so amazingly happy I can’t even believe it’s real and other times I want nothing more than to get away.

I’m trying so hard to think of things to talk about, but nothing really seems important enough.  I think I’ll just pretend it hasn’t been a forever and a year since I last posted… Auditions for the plays at school are on Monday and Wednesday.  I’m not really nervous yet, but I really want to make one of the shows.  I miss acting so darn much.  In two weeks I’m heading out to Point Park to audition for acting and interview for stage management.  I’m trying to plan a spring break trip.  School, well school is school.  I think I’m going to enjoy all my classes this semester.  I may not have the best friends ever at school, but I do have people I can talk to between classes and just joke around with.  Plus, there are people I can text or talk to online that will instantly brighten my day.  And, as cheesy as this is going to sound, I’m lucky enough to have my best friend with me through out this transition year.  Maybe life isn’t all that bad.

I’m happy right now.

I’ll never regret or let you.

So I’ve been out of school for a week and a half.  So far my days of consisted of sleeping in, computer time, cleaning, and hanging with my buds.  I’ve also been working and am still trying to find a babysitting job for the summer *crosses fingers*  Tomorrow I’m auditioning for a play.  I’m not really sure what I want out of the experience yet, I guess I’ll have to wait and see how it goes.  I’m also planning on taking a summer class.  I’m looking forward to being semi-busy.

Last night I went to my first ever concert.  It was simply amazing.  Mumford & Sons has quickly become one of my favorite bands after one of my good friends introduced me to them about 2 months go.  I really couldn’t have asked for a better first concert.  It was in the TLA which is a standing room only hall, which I think made the experience that much more awesome.  I have this absolute love  for being around people who are truly enjoying themselves.  I’ve always loved going to midnight openings of movies.  There is just something about sitting in a dark theater with a couple hundred people anxiously awaiting the start of the movie.  See most people that go to a midnight showing are huge fans.  Most of them having been waiting for this moment for months or years.  You kind of form a bond with your theater, because you know that everyone there truly wants to see that movie.  And I experienced the same thing last night.  It felt so amazingly powerful to stand in front of a band as hundreds of fans stood around me screaming the lyrics back at them.  The excitement was palpable.  I loved that the band is still fairly unknown.  I think the more well known an artist or actor or any type of performer gets, the more jaded they get… which is sad.  The band, well both bands, seemed so amazingly genuine.  I can just imagine how they used to wonder if people would ever like them or listen to them.  And it must feel so completely amazing to perform in front of your fans.  I also realize that I’m a complete sucker for live performances.  There is just something about people exposing themselves on stage that draws me in.  At one point last night I almost started to tear up.  I was just so swept away in the excitement and the music and everything.  Maybe it’s because I’m a performer myself and I understand how difficult it is, but always how simply wonderful it feels to stand on a stage.  I’ve also become much more attached to music over the past year or so.  Hearing a good singer perform is like the best thing in the world.

Well thats about it.  I’m excited for this summer.

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine. Together we can see what we will find. Don’t leave me alone at this time for I’m afraid of what I will discover inside.

So there is also this feeling you get when you just want things to be okay.  You want things to be normal.  Not extraordinary, just normal.  But the thing is, getting to normal seems so difficult.  So unobtainable.  And I just think, or dwell, or overanalyze, or do one of the many things I do… well I wonder if it’s even worth it.  If that’s what should happen.  If okay is really okay.

I just want to know today, know today, know today.  I just want to know something today.  I just want to know today, know today, know today.  Know that maybe I will be okay.

But I guess we should get to the real reason I’m writing.  My diehard readers (ha) should know by now that I rarely write just for the heck of it.  I usually have some amazingly epic tale to tell (rare) or I have some depressing nonsense to get off my mind (usually).  So here I am once again, my fingers are clicking away at the keys and my emotions are spewing out.  It’s the beginning of Spring which means that most people are shaking off the dark depressing thoughts of winter and stepping out in the warm sunshine and realizing that life is pretty okay.  Yeah, for most people this won’t last very long.  I think it’s just one of those things that always happens when you realize that the sun can stay up later than five o’clock and you don’t have to wear six layers while walking to class anymore.  I like the change in mood though.  It’s nice to see people actually out and about on campus now.  It’s almost like the entire population of my school had isolated themselves in their dorms for the winter and are now just staggering out into the fresh air for the first in four months.  Usually I am not one to follow such stupid trends as getting happy because the weather is nice, but for once I’m happy to be a follower.  My mood has definitely improved over the last two weeks or so and has steadily been getting better.  Yesterday brought on a sort of mental overload/breakdown for me though.  My roommate had gone home sick, so I had no one to vent to.  I did what I do best and wrote out my feelings.  It’s always amazing how much writing things out helps me.  So last night was rough to say the least, but because of that I had a sort of epiphany today.

I’d say since the end of January I had been in a sort of weird mood.  I hesitate to say funk, because I feel like that word always makes me think of someone who shuts themselves in a room and wants nothing to do with anyone.  I was just in one of those moods where I had a lot of thoughts going on in my head and I didn’t really know what to believe or to focus on.  I’ve had to make a lot of very important decisions for my future over the past month or so.  Decisions that will effect my future in major ways.  So I’ve been stressed to say the least.  And of course, just to keep things fun and fresh, throw a couple emotions in there.  So February and some of March haven’t been the best of times for me.  Also add in the fact that I’m doing absolutely NOTHING with my life and my sanity is waning because of it to liven things up.  But it’s Spring and my attitude is starting to change.  My long thinking/ writing session last night allowed me to see just how stupid the things I was focusing my attention on are.  Well maybe stupid is the wrong word.  I’ve just been so worried about things that I can’t really change. Things that aren’t really in my hands.  I mean, sure it would be wonderful if I could magically make things go the way I wanted them to, but unless my letter from Hogwarts got lost in the mail, that’s not gonna happen.

So I’ve decided to start thinking differently.  I’m alive.  I’m young.  I have awesome friends.  I have my entire future before me.  I’m done with overanalyzing.  I’m ready to be grateful for what I have.  I’m ready to have fun.  Because why shouldn’t I?  I have six more weeks of my first year of college.  Six more weeks and then I’m not a freshman anymore.  Sure this hasn’t been the best year for me, but hey it still mattered.  I’ve learned a lot about myself.  I’ve learned a lot about my friends and about people in general.  I’ve learned some of the things I do and don’t want out of life.  So sure, I wish this year turned out a little better for me, but in no way am I sorry it happened.  We have to go through rough patches to understand how to avoid them in the future.

The future.  As I said decisions have been made about my future.  Decisions that I honestly thought I never would have to make.  But I think at this point, I’ve done what is best for me and honestly thats all I can do.

So I’m finally ready to make things good.  I’m done with hurting all the time.  I’m done with thinking too much.  I’m ready to take things one day at a time.  I’m ready to take risks.  To think positive.  To have fun with life.  I’m not going to be young and carefree for too much longer.  This is my time.  So six more weeks and then the best summer of my life. I’m ready….

[ Lyrics to come ]

…. more later…

edit: Yeah, they’re pretty awesome.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.  You seem to make things very difficult for me.  I think you and Future got together and decided to punish me for something.  I’m not really sure what I did wrong, but can you please stop.

Love,

a frustrated friend.

I have so many options and so many things to think about… I have no idea what I’m going to do.  My future scares me.  I feel so unprepared.  I need to decide soon what I’m doing for next year and at this point crawling into a hole and rocking back and forth in the fetal position sounds like the most appealing option.  I just wish something would click and I would figure out what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be.  Like I said, I have so many options but none of them really seem like the one.  None of them seem perfect, but hey I guess thats life.  I need to make sacrifices.  I just feel like I’m going to disappoint someone with each decision I make.  I don’t like disappointing people.  But I’m starting to realize that it’s my life that I’m making decisions about.  I’m the one who has to live with the consequences.  I’m not really sure if that makes easier or harder though.  I’m just frustrated beyond belief.  Every time I think about what I’m going to do next year I want to cry.  It makes me sick.  I want to be happy.  I want to do what I love.  I’m realizing that may not be as easy as it sounds.  I’m 19 and the choices I made today could influence my life at 30 or 40 or 50.  Who the hell decided that would be a good idea?  I’m just tired of worrying.  I feel so uneasy and unsettled.  It’s hard to go from four years where your entire life was scheduled out and defined to just… well nothing.  Hopefully I’ll be making some decisions soon.  Who knows what they will be.  I just hope I don’t disappoint too many people in the process….

Let me teach you how to handle all the sadness in your soul.

I have recently developed a fear that I have lived the best part of my life.  Actually I have had these thoughts before, but this time I guess its a little different.  As the end of high school approached I began to wonder if things could ever get better than how they were.  I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.  What if that was it?  That was my peak?  I started to shed that fear though.  I began to think that things would get better or at least stay around the same.  But a new fear is upon me.  My friends are amazing.  Thats it.  Amazing.  What if I don’t find friends that ever top them?  I have yet to find those people in college that I just click with.  And don’t get me wrong, I understand it takes time.  My current group of friends has been together for just over two years and with each day we understand each other a little better.  But once you get an idea in my mind… Well you know.  I’m just worried.  I explained this to my roommate in the nicest way possible.  I didn’t want to offend her and our relationship.  But I explained that right before Christmas break I was pretty happy.  I had become fairly close with my friends at school and things were going well.  But I went home.  I went home and spent a month with the best friends a person could ask for.  When I was home I realized how trivial my relationships at school were.  I realized how little they knew about me and how little time we had spent together.  I mean, sure they knew the important stuff about my life.  Where I was from.  Where I went to school.  My siblings.  They knew about my brother.  I loved theatre and color guard.  And that my friends were my life.  But they didn’t know what made me cry.  Or what would make me mad.  They didn’t know how to make my day.  Or how to tell if I was upset through a text.  When I went back to school, it was weird.  It was hard because I had been reminded of what it was like to be surrounded by people who knew me.  Some of them may even know things about me that I don’t.  So the past two weeks have been rough.  I just keep comparing my friends and I know thats horrible.  But when I don’t have those awesome relationships I miss them more than anything.

Something that amazes me is that being around the right people can make you happy.  And that doing something you love can make you feel amazing.  I had a really good day yesterday.  I came home to audition for a show and I got to see some of my really good friends.  Friends that I know me.  It was a good day.  I came home and I was happy.  Its so weird that happy at school and happy at home feel so different.

Today I visited color guard practice at my high school.  I ended up staying for 4 hours, because the main instructor wasn’t there and they wanted me to help with equipment.  It was nice I guess.  One of the girls asked me if it was nice to be back and be able to see a rehearsal.  I responded with, “When I first started to come back and visit I missed everything and everyone so much.  And now as time goes by I realize what I really miss is how things were during my high school experience.”  My mom had warned me about that.  She always said, “It’s not going to be the same.”  I guess I needed to experience it for myself.  I’m glad I have.

Well I guess thats it.  It’s snowing and as the snow picks up I’m worried that I might not to get see some of my friends tonight.  It seems to be slowing down now though.

And so I thought I’d let you know that these things take forever.  I especially am slow.  But I realize that I need you and I wondered if I could come home.