How can we make her even more stressed?

So here is a little ranting because I feel like it’s needed right now…

Yesterday I had guard, like I do every Tuesday.  It was a pretty good rehearsal.  We cleaned some parts, learned some new sabre work, and I even got two more solos!  Well the one is just a toss on flag and then they other is like 16ish counts on flag.  I pretty much end the show now.  So rehearsal was going very well until the end.  

Let’s give some background info.  It seems like I always have to give up things for color guard, more so than any other person.  Maybe it’s because I do more than everyone else, but like it’s frustrating.  Here’s a little list: Being in the WPG March performance freshman and sophomore year, Saturday rehearsals for the play and musical (my first one was during Tempest I believe), dances, birthdays, hang outs with my friends, the music trip last year to name a few.  Now this year I am extremely grateful that Jeff had us switch circuits to allow the seniors to go on our Senior Trip, thanks Jeff.  But already this year we had to miss the Movie Night that my class held because of a last minute Friday rehearsal for indoor guard.  I wasn’t happy, but I’ll live.  Then Jeff decided he wants us to paint the floor next Friday … the day of the Talent show.  Awesome.  But he said that we could leave when it started in his, “I really don’t want you to go, but I guess I have to let you” voice.  Alright cool.  BUT yesterday the big news…

So we finished rehearsal and Jeff suggested that we try to get into the school on the 13th, which we have off, to paint the floor.  That way none of us will have to miss the Talent Show and we will have a longer time to paint.  Ok, thats fine, if the school is open and all.  Then Sara brings up the problem.  Senior Banquet.  February 12 … a THURSDAY! WTF.  When she said that I was seriously shocked.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I never even thought to check the date of the banquet because I figured it was a Friday.  Now here we are 2 1/2 weeks before it and we look like douches because we just brought it up.  Like seriously?!  A Thursday!  

Now at the beginning of rehearsal they gave us this whole dedication speech.  ”You have to practice outside of rehearsal” “Personal responsibility”  ”We can be really good this year if you work outside of here” blah blah blah.  So after this whole Senior Banquet debacle comes up and the three seniors state that they can’t miss this, Dominick of course pulls the commitment card again.  And we end up getting into a fight.  He says “There are other people in this activity and you have to decide how committed you are.” or something like that.  REALLY?  How can you ever say that I’m not committed, like really how can you.  Let’s take yesterday for instance.  I went to school, straight from school I had WPG from 2:30 -3:15, then Sweeney from 3:15 – 5:40ish.  Then I had twenty minutes to get my equipment, change my clothes, eat, get the floor, and get down to the gym.  Then I had a 3 hour guard practice, with hours of homework waiting for me at home.  My commitment is pretty debatable.  jesus christ.  You can say anything to me.  Tell me I’m not good at guard.  Tell my I suck at dancing or I can’t throw a six correctly, but when you tell me I’m not dedicated I get pissed.  And I was already pissed at Dominick because he was being a dick when I was doing my solo.  ”You have to make me cry, you aren’t performing enough”  I had learned like 10 minutes before.  I asked him if I could have until next practice to have it perfect.  He said NO, make me cry now (because the end of the show is sad)  I wanted to punch him. 

When we putting the floor on the cart, Sara asked the rest of the guard “How many of you would show up to practice on the day of your Senior Banquet?”  They all said they wouldn’t.  Our dance instructor Andrea told me not to worry we would be able to go and I told her “I just don’t like being told I’m not committed to something”  Like I’m sorry I won’t cut my  left arm off for this activity, I’ve grown a little attached to it over the years.  I understand thats very selfish of me.  And I can’t even quit!  Thats the worst part.  I fucking love this activity too much.  Huh. 

Thanks for listening.

If you care to read.

Fuck.  Fuck.

Well now that that’s over.  I… uh.  I wish that I could have this really happy entry telling you about how I got into college or about how the boy (my “he” hahah for all you oldies) confessed his love for me, but unfortunately my life isn’t that awesome.  You probably think I’m the most depressed person ever because of my last couple entries.  I’m not.  It just hasn’t been a good month for me.  It’s so weird because I’ve gone so long without legit liking someone… I forgot how much it hurts.  I just wish I truly knew how awesome it could feel too.  But sadly I get too scared.  I over think everything.  I just wish something good would happen.  Like it seems like one shitty thing has happened after another: shit grades, no acceptance letters, boy, my sister buying a dress without me, no time, my friends fighting… 

But i don’t know… Let’s try and find some good stuff in my life right now.  My sister is home, which I guess is cool.  Winter break is two school days away.  And then Christmas.  I feel like I’m mending some relationships with my friends.  Oh, if you are a frequent reader (haha) you would know I was concerned about not getting a rifle solo (in the entry The Wilting), but I got it!!! I’m like so excited.  Hmm what else.

I guess thats it for now.  I’m super tired and have a ton of homework tomorrow.  bed.

We’ve all got scars as big as ours. A token for the pain we hide inside of us. Everyone’s scared that somebody knows. You push it aside, yeah that’s how it goes. If you’ve ever heard a beating heart. A rhythm for the songs we’re too afraid to sing. Nobody here is perfectly fine. A delicate frame, a fragile design.

I’m sorry for failing you…

Sorry for the extremely over dramatic last entry.  It was how I was feeling at the moment.  And unfortunately this one won’t be much different.

I cried today, first time in a little.  I happened to be driving, it’s weird crying when you are driving for various reasons.  I like don’t even know where to start.  So many things are going on right now, I feel like I’m going to explode.  I don’t know, it just seems like everyone in my group of friends is mad at someone else within the group.  And the sad thing is, it seems like that because it’s true.  I just… huh I’m tired of the fact that all we do is talk behind each other’s backs.  I’m tired of complaining to one of my friends about the other.  Thats not what friends do, however cliche that sounds.  These sentences don’t even make sense right now, I’m sorry.  I feel like I have been trying so hard recently to please everyone.  I’m almost gone back to my old ways of being a different person with each of my friends.  And honestly, I hate that.  I just hate how things are going right now.  It seems all I ever hear is “I hate this person so much” “Why is whoever so annoying”  ”Blah, blah, blah is a bitch.”  And the horrible thing is I’ve been saying a lot of those things too.  What is wrong with me?  When did I become such a bad person.  I can’t even imagine what my friends say behind my back.  It’s probably terrible, seeing as what some of them say to my face is pretty bad.  

Which I guess brings me to my next topic.  No, I don’t even know what to say about that… it’s not worth it.  I just feel like I’m ready to talk.  I’m tired of just keeping it inside.  Let’s just get things out in the open and if that causes me to lose “friends”… so be it.  And for those that really are my true friends…. I’m sorry for failing you.  I’ve been a shitty friend recently.  It’ll change.  I promise.

and this boy.  huh.  my life.

Truth.

And then sometimes you just get crushed.  The world around you just begins to fall apart.  And all you can do is sit and watch.

I know I could have kept everything together, but I’m too scared.  Too worried.  Too everything.

It’s been awhile.  But welcome back old friend. 

Everything is fine.  Thats all they need to know.

Whatever.

Hmmm so I pretty much can’t take school still.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been this unmotivated before.  Like just thinking about doing homework or going to school makes me tired.  I feel like I’ve just gotten into this routine of going to school, doing what whatever random stuff after school, doing homework, going to bed.  rinse and repeat.  Huh I don’t know.  I mean I love my life, but I guess since we are just learning music for Sweeney and not acting it’s kind of boring.  And we are just starting guard up again so it’s a little lame right now.  I’m so drained all the time, like there is nothing that is keeping me going.  I’m pretty sure I’m failing like three of my classes currently.  And like, I’m not even busy, I just don’t ever feel like doing anything.  I’m counting down the days until Christmas break (15 days, 9 school days).

So I have been feeling like the biggest failure recently.

1) Do I need to remind you that my grades suck right now?  

2) All my friends are getting all these acceptance letters and I’m just not.  Like I got into the one, but that doesn’t really count.

3) I pretty much sucked at guard last night.  Well I didn’t suck.  I couldn’t get this one thing that everyone else could and it pissed me off.  Like I’ve been on weapon the longest, I should pick stuff up the quickest.  I also hate the fact that Sam is now better than me, it sucks.

4) I suck at Fighter.  I can’t do it.  They should just cut me.

5) The WPG show keeps changing and I feel like I’m completely in the dark.  Like in years past it was like, “oh only officers can know.”  Now it’s “Only presidents can know.” It’s frustrating.  I just really hope I get a good part.  I’ll be really pissed if I don’t.

6) My hips have been hurting since our first guard practice last Tuesday.  Last night I did a jump without warming up and completely fucked my right hip up.  I just wish they would stop hurting. 

7) I feel like I’m disconnecting from all my friends.  And maybe thats a good thing, maybe we need some distance for a little so we don’t get over saturated.  

So thats my life right now.  My sister is trying to come home for Christmas.  I actually kind of want her to.  I don’t know, it would be a nice change of scene.  Hmmm I guess thats all for now.  I should go do some homework.

Over.

I’m done with school.  I’m so unmotivated.  I can’t take it.  I’m leaving.  

I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the winter.  I’m going to be soooo stressed.  

School – - A full schedule my senior year.  Worst. Idea. Ever.  I’m like failing math currently which is awesome

Sweeney – - I love the music already, but it’s so hard.  And it’s going to be so hard blocking it and such.       And I feel that tons of drama will spawn from this show. 

WPG – - Choral pieces, which are never too bad.  Why did I decide to join dance?  I mean I like it, but I really have no time now.

Color Guard – - shoot me now.  I love guard.  I mean of course I do.  But we have 4 hour rehearsals until mid-terms. Yesterday we had 4 hours of dance.  I currently can’t walk.  I will probably die.  And lets not forget the fact that Jeff uses me being captain for an excuse to not let me do anything else.  But like, I understand.   

Graduation Project – - Fuck you!  I really already did it, but I didn’t write down all my info and such.  Now I have to somehow get to Arcola two days a week for an hour with no time.  Like honestly other people are going for me some days.  I just hate this project.  I think I already do enough. I should have immunity from it or something. 

 

huh.  back to homework.  Oh I’m pretty sure I failed 2 tests this week and I have still have 3 left, so my week may just get better!

It never ends…

Alright.  So Nationals was this past friday, which was like a tragedy in and of it’s self.  O God where to even begin?!  We get out early to practice on the football field and let me just tell you what an epic fail that was.  ugh.  Like my hand was KILLING me from when I caught my five on rifle super hard and slightly awkward.  Which happened to be like almost a week earlier, but the almost constant spinning wasn’t helping it.  (I hurt it Saturday, competition Sunday, practice Tuesday and Thursday, and then it was Friday and I was spinning again) So anyway, good old Methacton guard of course sucked the practice before Nationals.  Cause you know my life can never be easy.  I mean I didn’t have a horrible run through, but it wasn’t the best.  So then after practice I have to lug my stupid fucking bench back up to the band room.  And then after bringing my stuff to the bus, I realize I have to take it even farther to the busses. (I am beyond happy that I don’t have to deal with those benches anymore.  Fucking props.) So we get on the bus and make our way to Annapolis.  We ended up getting there a little late, but luckily the guard started make-up/hair almost as soon as we got on the bus, so we were good.  But we get off the bus and Jeff isn’t there and the instructors keep saying he’ll be here any minute.  Well he finally gets there and we start warming up.  Off course we suck still, cause life hates me.  I’m like kind of pissed off by this point and just want to get this show over with.  

So lets give a little background.  I’m a senior, incase you didn’t know.  And when you’re a senior people like to remind you of that fact, especially when the activity you’re in is close to ending.  So everyone is like “oh are you sad it’s your last competition blah blah blah”  And I would always say it hadn’t hit me yet. Wellll we walk on up to the stadium (carrying my stupid bench), see the field and it hits me.  Like WHOA, this is my last competition.  WHAT! REALLY?  My heart starts pounding and my eyes start to get all watery.  After setting our benches to go on the field, we go back with the rest of the band.  Dominick starts giving us a little speech and HOLY SHIT! I like lose it.  And then I give a speech to the guard about doing this for you and for no one else.  It doesn’t matter what place we get, as long as you did your best and had fun. And then Mr. Leonard gives  a speech to the entire band.  And I’m not really sure if he could say “this is your last” or “the last time” or any other variation of that sentence any more times. HUH. It was like so sad.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I remember seniors crying before and I thought it was a little overkill, but when it’s you it’s so hard. 

I’m like soooo nervous.  My heart is beating out of my chest and I’m literally crying.  I compose myself in time to go onto the field, but I’m still like going to pee myself I’m so nervous.  I stand in my opening set and try to take deep breaths.  I don’t even know the last time I was this nervous.  Like maybe freshman year, I don’t even know.  I was shaking.  No like SHAKING.  It takes me to almost the end of the first song to stop. I went through the rifle work praying I wouldn’t drop from me shaking (I made it through btw.  caught my quad on rifle on the half, but caught my five AWESOME)  Any who skip ahead to sabre.  Let’s to clear up how I hate sabre.  I don’t actually hate it, I just wasn’t taught it properly and therefore suck at it.  Sophomore year it was like “hey you’re on sabre line, spin this”  So I have gotten used to really bad techniques.  I get to this really impactful (not a word, but I like it) moment, where the rifles toss, then the sbares toss and then the song cuts off on this cool sound.  And guess what… yes I fucking DROPPED!!! Who the hell drops their senior year at Nationals.  Who?  Like really?  jesus christ.  So I get off the field after the show pissed as anything.  I walk off and just start crying.  Not only was it my last show with this marching band, but I sucked! Then we go over to Jeff and he is of course just positive reinforcement central.  He pretty much confirms that we sucked and I just start bawling and he just keeps going.  I couldn’t take this, I felt like a complete and utter failure.  In my head I was like “jeff just stop, really just stop, you can just stop talking right now”  At this point I just want to leave, I can’t take being there anymore with other bands being able to see me.  We go back to the busses and as we wait to load the benches (fucking benches) I give the guard a nice little speech (which I of course start crying during) about how much guard means to me and how much I hope everyone stays with it.

Anyway I could go into so much more detail, but I should really go to bed.  I guess I’ll write another entry about theatre and the fact that opening night! is tomorrow later.

Rambling…

So it’s been awhile, which I knew was going to happen.  It’s summer now and has been for just over three weeks and I’ve pretty much accomplished nothing.  I went to some parties, a day trip with my friends, my cousin’s wedding, the movies once, and I’ve had marching band practice a couple times.  But mostly my days consist of me getting up … watching TV …. going online … my mom yelling at me for not doing anything around the house … me cleaning a little … trying to find someone to hang out with … more online … more TV … oh and Collegeboard.  Collegeboard has really become my best friend this summer.  I have been stressing about college so much since school let out.  Like most normal people stressed the whole school year and they worked really hard and got fairly decent grades.  But yeah, not me.  I just went with Junior year.  I figured I knew what I was doing (I’m a teenager it comes with the territory).  But know I’m literally freaking out.  Yesterday I got a headache from stressing out so much.  All my friends are so smart and have so much going for them and the saddest thing is that their “safety schools”, are like the colleges I’m scared of not getting into.  GAH.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  For some reason I decide to get my ass in gear, after I can’t do much.  I’m going to apply to my top two school in August, which means my October SAT scores aren’t even going to matter. GRRRR.  This sucks so much.

And to top this lovely summer off, all my friends are at least 300 miles away.  They are all off learning and exploring the world and I’m here in Trooper wasting my life away.  So I pretty much have NO ONE to talk to, except three boys who have to make everything a joke.  Like maybe once in awhile I want to be serious or maybe I just need to talk.  I can’t fucking say one thing without them jumping on me for it.  And then we I say something about it all I get is, “you need to relax and have fun.”  If you knew all the stuff that was going on in my head right now…  And what’s the point?  I can’t open up to people anyway.  It’s like every times I try to tell them something, I back out.  UHHH.  Why can’t I just stay in high school forever.  I hate all this stress and drama!

Alright I guess that’s it.  I need to go to bed.

Happy Fourth of July!