How can we make her even more stressed?

So here is a little ranting because I feel like it’s needed right now…

Yesterday I had guard, like I do every Tuesday.  It was a pretty good rehearsal.  We cleaned some parts, learned some new sabre work, and I even got two more solos!  Well the one is just a toss on flag and then they other is like 16ish counts on flag.  I pretty much end the show now.  So rehearsal was going very well until the end.  

Let’s give some background info.  It seems like I always have to give up things for color guard, more so than any other person.  Maybe it’s because I do more than everyone else, but like it’s frustrating.  Here’s a little list: Being in the WPG March performance freshman and sophomore year, Saturday rehearsals for the play and musical (my first one was during Tempest I believe), dances, birthdays, hang outs with my friends, the music trip last year to name a few.  Now this year I am extremely grateful that Jeff had us switch circuits to allow the seniors to go on our Senior Trip, thanks Jeff.  But already this year we had to miss the Movie Night that my class held because of a last minute Friday rehearsal for indoor guard.  I wasn’t happy, but I’ll live.  Then Jeff decided he wants us to paint the floor next Friday … the day of the Talent show.  Awesome.  But he said that we could leave when it started in his, “I really don’t want you to go, but I guess I have to let you” voice.  Alright cool.  BUT yesterday the big news…

So we finished rehearsal and Jeff suggested that we try to get into the school on the 13th, which we have off, to paint the floor.  That way none of us will have to miss the Talent Show and we will have a longer time to paint.  Ok, thats fine, if the school is open and all.  Then Sara brings up the problem.  Senior Banquet.  February 12 … a THURSDAY! WTF.  When she said that I was seriously shocked.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I never even thought to check the date of the banquet because I figured it was a Friday.  Now here we are 2 1/2 weeks before it and we look like douches because we just brought it up.  Like seriously?!  A Thursday!  

Now at the beginning of rehearsal they gave us this whole dedication speech.  ”You have to practice outside of rehearsal” “Personal responsibility”  ”We can be really good this year if you work outside of here” blah blah blah.  So after this whole Senior Banquet debacle comes up and the three seniors state that they can’t miss this, Dominick of course pulls the commitment card again.  And we end up getting into a fight.  He says “There are other people in this activity and you have to decide how committed you are.” or something like that.  REALLY?  How can you ever say that I’m not committed, like really how can you.  Let’s take yesterday for instance.  I went to school, straight from school I had WPG from 2:30 -3:15, then Sweeney from 3:15 – 5:40ish.  Then I had twenty minutes to get my equipment, change my clothes, eat, get the floor, and get down to the gym.  Then I had a 3 hour guard practice, with hours of homework waiting for me at home.  My commitment is pretty debatable.  jesus christ.  You can say anything to me.  Tell me I’m not good at guard.  Tell my I suck at dancing or I can’t throw a six correctly, but when you tell me I’m not dedicated I get pissed.  And I was already pissed at Dominick because he was being a dick when I was doing my solo.  ”You have to make me cry, you aren’t performing enough”  I had learned like 10 minutes before.  I asked him if I could have until next practice to have it perfect.  He said NO, make me cry now (because the end of the show is sad)  I wanted to punch him. 

When we putting the floor on the cart, Sara asked the rest of the guard “How many of you would show up to practice on the day of your Senior Banquet?”  They all said they wouldn’t.  Our dance instructor Andrea told me not to worry we would be able to go and I told her “I just don’t like being told I’m not committed to something”  Like I’m sorry I won’t cut my  left arm off for this activity, I’ve grown a little attached to it over the years.  I understand thats very selfish of me.  And I can’t even quit!  Thats the worst part.  I fucking love this activity too much.  Huh. 

Thanks for listening.

Kangaroo

Wow.  Things just seem to be getting crazier for me.  I honestly think my life could be a TV show right now.  Like a teen drama type show.  But not the overly dramatic kind.  The kind with some humor, but still really stupid and drama full.  haha.  I wish I could explain why, but unfortunately I can’t, because I have to talk to some people first.  I just keep kicking myself, because I was so stupid.  Like I honestly put this all on myself and now I’m just hurting.  It sucks.  Huh.  I don’t know.  I was so content with how my life was going for awhile.  Like I wasn’t super happy, but things were going pretty well.  And then December hits and it seems my life has just been this downwards spiral.  Ok I’m being super over dramatic.  My life really isn’t that bad… it’s just some many bad things have happened in a short time.  It’s kinda stressful.  I just wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes.  You know?  Cause there has to be something.  But ah on the plus side, I’m happy to finally have someone to talk to about stuff.  It like really helps a lot, not having to keep everything inside.  so yeah.      

Well Christmas is in roughly 20 minutes which is exciting.  I love Christmas, it’s just so fun.  Today I did my only shopping.  I sorta waited to the last minute haha.  It was pretty rough.  My sister and I went to the outlets and it happened to be raining.  I definitely wore the wrong shoes for rain, they were waterlogged by the end of the trip.  We were supposed to look for scarves for our godmothers, which you think would be easy.  We went into like 8 stores at the outlets, then TJ Max, then like another 5 stores at the mall.  Nothing.  Well we did find stuff, but they were either shoddily made, too young looking, or too expensive.  Like we went into Nordstroms and the less expensive, nicer looking scarves were $50, ranging all the way up to $120.  WTF.  It’s a piece of fabric that you put around your neck.  Stupid.  But I did get a gift for my brother and sister, so that was good.  And I bought some new black pants for myself, cause you can never have too many haha.  

Well I have to go wrap one more gift and then I should go to bed, I’m tired.  

Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. I’m reading Twilight.  I know, stone me.

Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t wanna be like you . Can’t you see it’s killing me. I’m my own worst enemy 

If you care to read.

Fuck.  Fuck.

Well now that that’s over.  I… uh.  I wish that I could have this really happy entry telling you about how I got into college or about how the boy (my “he” hahah for all you oldies) confessed his love for me, but unfortunately my life isn’t that awesome.  You probably think I’m the most depressed person ever because of my last couple entries.  I’m not.  It just hasn’t been a good month for me.  It’s so weird because I’ve gone so long without legit liking someone… I forgot how much it hurts.  I just wish I truly knew how awesome it could feel too.  But sadly I get too scared.  I over think everything.  I just wish something good would happen.  Like it seems like one shitty thing has happened after another: shit grades, no acceptance letters, boy, my sister buying a dress without me, no time, my friends fighting… 

But i don’t know… Let’s try and find some good stuff in my life right now.  My sister is home, which I guess is cool.  Winter break is two school days away.  And then Christmas.  I feel like I’m mending some relationships with my friends.  Oh, if you are a frequent reader (haha) you would know I was concerned about not getting a rifle solo (in the entry The Wilting), but I got it!!! I’m like so excited.  Hmm what else.

I guess thats it for now.  I’m super tired and have a ton of homework tomorrow.  bed.

We’ve all got scars as big as ours. A token for the pain we hide inside of us. Everyone’s scared that somebody knows. You push it aside, yeah that’s how it goes. If you’ve ever heard a beating heart. A rhythm for the songs we’re too afraid to sing. Nobody here is perfectly fine. A delicate frame, a fragile design.

I’m sorry for failing you…

Sorry for the extremely over dramatic last entry.  It was how I was feeling at the moment.  And unfortunately this one won’t be much different.

I cried today, first time in a little.  I happened to be driving, it’s weird crying when you are driving for various reasons.  I like don’t even know where to start.  So many things are going on right now, I feel like I’m going to explode.  I don’t know, it just seems like everyone in my group of friends is mad at someone else within the group.  And the sad thing is, it seems like that because it’s true.  I just… huh I’m tired of the fact that all we do is talk behind each other’s backs.  I’m tired of complaining to one of my friends about the other.  Thats not what friends do, however cliche that sounds.  These sentences don’t even make sense right now, I’m sorry.  I feel like I have been trying so hard recently to please everyone.  I’m almost gone back to my old ways of being a different person with each of my friends.  And honestly, I hate that.  I just hate how things are going right now.  It seems all I ever hear is “I hate this person so much” “Why is whoever so annoying”  ”Blah, blah, blah is a bitch.”  And the horrible thing is I’ve been saying a lot of those things too.  What is wrong with me?  When did I become such a bad person.  I can’t even imagine what my friends say behind my back.  It’s probably terrible, seeing as what some of them say to my face is pretty bad.  

Which I guess brings me to my next topic.  No, I don’t even know what to say about that… it’s not worth it.  I just feel like I’m ready to talk.  I’m tired of just keeping it inside.  Let’s just get things out in the open and if that causes me to lose “friends”… so be it.  And for those that really are my true friends…. I’m sorry for failing you.  I’ve been a shitty friend recently.  It’ll change.  I promise.

and this boy.  huh.  my life.

Whatever.

Hmmm so I pretty much can’t take school still.  I don’t know if I’ve ever been this unmotivated before.  Like just thinking about doing homework or going to school makes me tired.  I feel like I’ve just gotten into this routine of going to school, doing what whatever random stuff after school, doing homework, going to bed.  rinse and repeat.  Huh I don’t know.  I mean I love my life, but I guess since we are just learning music for Sweeney and not acting it’s kind of boring.  And we are just starting guard up again so it’s a little lame right now.  I’m so drained all the time, like there is nothing that is keeping me going.  I’m pretty sure I’m failing like three of my classes currently.  And like, I’m not even busy, I just don’t ever feel like doing anything.  I’m counting down the days until Christmas break (15 days, 9 school days).

So I have been feeling like the biggest failure recently.

1) Do I need to remind you that my grades suck right now?  

2) All my friends are getting all these acceptance letters and I’m just not.  Like I got into the one, but that doesn’t really count.

3) I pretty much sucked at guard last night.  Well I didn’t suck.  I couldn’t get this one thing that everyone else could and it pissed me off.  Like I’ve been on weapon the longest, I should pick stuff up the quickest.  I also hate the fact that Sam is now better than me, it sucks.

4) I suck at Fighter.  I can’t do it.  They should just cut me.

5) The WPG show keeps changing and I feel like I’m completely in the dark.  Like in years past it was like, “oh only officers can know.”  Now it’s “Only presidents can know.” It’s frustrating.  I just really hope I get a good part.  I’ll be really pissed if I don’t.

6) My hips have been hurting since our first guard practice last Tuesday.  Last night I did a jump without warming up and completely fucked my right hip up.  I just wish they would stop hurting. 

7) I feel like I’m disconnecting from all my friends.  And maybe thats a good thing, maybe we need some distance for a little so we don’t get over saturated.  

So thats my life right now.  My sister is trying to come home for Christmas.  I actually kind of want her to.  I don’t know, it would be a nice change of scene.  Hmmm I guess thats all for now.  I should go do some homework.

Over.

I’m done with school.  I’m so unmotivated.  I can’t take it.  I’m leaving.  

I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the winter.  I’m going to be soooo stressed.  

School – - A full schedule my senior year.  Worst. Idea. Ever.  I’m like failing math currently which is awesome

Sweeney – - I love the music already, but it’s so hard.  And it’s going to be so hard blocking it and such.       And I feel that tons of drama will spawn from this show. 

WPG – - Choral pieces, which are never too bad.  Why did I decide to join dance?  I mean I like it, but I really have no time now.

Color Guard – - shoot me now.  I love guard.  I mean of course I do.  But we have 4 hour rehearsals until mid-terms. Yesterday we had 4 hours of dance.  I currently can’t walk.  I will probably die.  And lets not forget the fact that Jeff uses me being captain for an excuse to not let me do anything else.  But like, I understand.   

Graduation Project – - Fuck you!  I really already did it, but I didn’t write down all my info and such.  Now I have to somehow get to Arcola two days a week for an hour with no time.  Like honestly other people are going for me some days.  I just hate this project.  I think I already do enough. I should have immunity from it or something. 

 

huh.  back to homework.  Oh I’m pretty sure I failed 2 tests this week and I have still have 3 left, so my week may just get better!