Kangaroo

Wow.  Things just seem to be getting crazier for me.  I honestly think my life could be a TV show right now.  Like a teen drama type show.  But not the overly dramatic kind.  The kind with some humor, but still really stupid and drama full.  haha.  I wish I could explain why, but unfortunately I can’t, because I have to talk to some people first.  I just keep kicking myself, because I was so stupid.  Like I honestly put this all on myself and now I’m just hurting.  It sucks.  Huh.  I don’t know.  I was so content with how my life was going for awhile.  Like I wasn’t super happy, but things were going pretty well.  And then December hits and it seems my life has just been this downwards spiral.  Ok I’m being super over dramatic.  My life really isn’t that bad… it’s just some many bad things have happened in a short time.  It’s kinda stressful.  I just wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes.  You know?  Cause there has to be something.  But ah on the plus side, I’m happy to finally have someone to talk to about stuff.  It like really helps a lot, not having to keep everything inside.  so yeah.      

Well Christmas is in roughly 20 minutes which is exciting.  I love Christmas, it’s just so fun.  Today I did my only shopping.  I sorta waited to the last minute haha.  It was pretty rough.  My sister and I went to the outlets and it happened to be raining.  I definitely wore the wrong shoes for rain, they were waterlogged by the end of the trip.  We were supposed to look for scarves for our godmothers, which you think would be easy.  We went into like 8 stores at the outlets, then TJ Max, then like another 5 stores at the mall.  Nothing.  Well we did find stuff, but they were either shoddily made, too young looking, or too expensive.  Like we went into Nordstroms and the less expensive, nicer looking scarves were $50, ranging all the way up to $120.  WTF.  It’s a piece of fabric that you put around your neck.  Stupid.  But I did get a gift for my brother and sister, so that was good.  And I bought some new black pants for myself, cause you can never have too many haha.  

Well I have to go wrap one more gift and then I should go to bed, I’m tired.  

Merry Christmas!!!

P.S. I’m reading Twilight.  I know, stone me.

Don’t tell me what to do. I don’t wanna be like you . Can’t you see it’s killing me. I’m my own worst enemy 

The end approaches.

Let’s just start this entry off with a big sigh.  With me now *huhhh*…. yeah thats how I feel right now.  Ok so it’s November.  Pretty much one of the busiest months for me, second only to March.  The first marking period ended today.  Whoa!  And I’m like super pissed.  I just got my AP Gov grade to something I could deal with and then she gives us a huge test that will go on the first marking period.  Thanks a lot.  Now I’ll be like failing.  Ok so what else…

Oh yeah, I voted for the first time on Tuesday!!! How exciting is that.  And the person I voted for won, so yeah.  Uhhh Alright let’s get down to the obvious stuff.

The play is in a week, yes a week.  I know what you’re thinking.  ”Are you even ready?!?!?”  And normally I would say “hell no, I don’t even know how this is going to come together.”  But for some reason we are surprisingly on task?  yeah I don’t know. Let’s just forget the fact that half our leads suck at acting… we’ll avoid that topic.  But I feel like something horrible is going to happen during tech week. *karma cap* huh.  Also I feel so unimportant in the show.  Like I NEVER get notes.  Like not even one.  It’s like, “yeah she doesn’t even matter in this show, no one will remember her”  Like just tell me I’m doing something wrong for God’s sake!  I can deal with a “you’re blocking Danforth”… but NOTHING.  not one thing.  grrrr.

OK now marching band.  Nationals are tomorrow.  Yes I said tomorrow.  What?  How can this be.  Like how is my last marching band competition tomorrow.  How can I be done marching band in high school already.  I was supposed to be a freshman forever.  I was never supposed to be done anything.  WTF, did no one get that memo.  I don’t even understand.  And it really hasn’t hit me yet.  I think it always hits the seniors last.  Like we realize that we’re leaving, but maybe we just don’t want to accept it.  It’s just so hard to believe.  

 

Ok well unfortunately I have to leave this entry incomplete.  I’m just too darn exhausted.  And I have to pack for tomorrow.  So I shall end this now.

Final month of summer.

So another month has gone by…

What has happened since the Fourth of July… anything?  Well much has happened, but anything of importance?  Hmm what really makes things important.  We do I guess.  What is important to me, may not be to another.  So the last month.  I’ve hung out with my friends a lot, the boys.  Just chillin’ in someone’s basement or the occasional trip to the movies or other such venues.  

I had mini-camp two weeks ago.  My last mini camp ever.  I can’t believe it.  Being a senior scares me a lot.  I don’t want this to end.  But I know there is so much more that is waiting to begin.  My last clinic ever was tonight.  Wow.  Now that’s crazy.  Like. wow.  Band camp is in less than a week! I’m excited, nervous, scared, happy… pretty much any emotion you can think of, I’m feeling right now towards band camp.  Again, my last ever … well at least in high school.  

I have this need to prove myself this year.  In color guard and theatre especially.  Like I’ve been working three years and this is when it all pays off.  This is when it shows what all the work will led to.  Hmmm unfortunately I feel like if won’t be much.  Well in theatre it’s like, there are so many talented people. But even if I don’t get a great role, I still want to show what I can do at my audition.  I want them to remember it and have people say I was robbed.  I think I would be pretty happy with that.  But of course I would love to get a great part.  I’m expecting to get a fairly ok role in the play, like named at least, with some lines.  But to get a named role in the musical would be amazing.  Even an understudy.  sigh.  I would be so grateful.  But I don’t want to get my hopes up.  So yeah.  And then marching band I think I’ve already reached my high.  So many good things have happened for me so far.  Weapon line as a sophomore.  Captain as a junior and senior.  I think this may not be my year to shine in guard, like I’ve already had my chance.  I feel like this year needs to be amazing.  Like I’ve tried to make high school really good and it has been, I’ve been really lucky.  But senior year feels like it needs to be this finale to an awesome high school career.  Like this year will top them all.

 This week I’ve decided that I’m ready to change in some aspects of my life.  I’ve become a little more outgoing… I’ve done things that were a little out of character for me.  Nothing major haha.  Just little things that I would not have done before.  One of my good friends gave me some advice this week, “let your guard down.”  And I think thats something I’m going to try to do.  I mean I have definitely become more outgoing and open to more things over the past few years, but I feel like I’m ready to take the next step.  To do things I never thought I would be able to.  To step out of my little box that I’ve forced myself into for God knows how many years. huh. I don’t know.  I just hope this year is good.

 I should probably talk about the title.  It’s August.  My sister comes home tomorrow from England for a month.  I go visit Pittsburgh.  Band camp.  Week of randomness.  Then school starts.  Not the most eventful summer… but it was ok.

Rambling…

So it’s been awhile, which I knew was going to happen.  It’s summer now and has been for just over three weeks and I’ve pretty much accomplished nothing.  I went to some parties, a day trip with my friends, my cousin’s wedding, the movies once, and I’ve had marching band practice a couple times.  But mostly my days consist of me getting up … watching TV …. going online … my mom yelling at me for not doing anything around the house … me cleaning a little … trying to find someone to hang out with … more online … more TV … oh and Collegeboard.  Collegeboard has really become my best friend this summer.  I have been stressing about college so much since school let out.  Like most normal people stressed the whole school year and they worked really hard and got fairly decent grades.  But yeah, not me.  I just went with Junior year.  I figured I knew what I was doing (I’m a teenager it comes with the territory).  But know I’m literally freaking out.  Yesterday I got a headache from stressing out so much.  All my friends are so smart and have so much going for them and the saddest thing is that their “safety schools”, are like the colleges I’m scared of not getting into.  GAH.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  For some reason I decide to get my ass in gear, after I can’t do much.  I’m going to apply to my top two school in August, which means my October SAT scores aren’t even going to matter. GRRRR.  This sucks so much.

And to top this lovely summer off, all my friends are at least 300 miles away.  They are all off learning and exploring the world and I’m here in Trooper wasting my life away.  So I pretty much have NO ONE to talk to, except three boys who have to make everything a joke.  Like maybe once in awhile I want to be serious or maybe I just need to talk.  I can’t fucking say one thing without them jumping on me for it.  And then we I say something about it all I get is, “you need to relax and have fun.”  If you knew all the stuff that was going on in my head right now…  And what’s the point?  I can’t open up to people anyway.  It’s like every times I try to tell them something, I back out.  UHHH.  Why can’t I just stay in high school forever.  I hate all this stress and drama!

Alright I guess that’s it.  I need to go to bed.

Happy Fourth of July!