Um? yeah

Well hello.  Winter break is over and I’m back to the reality that is school.  I was quite sad to see the break end.  It was a good one, I really did enjoy myself.  I’ve snapped out of the “phase” I was in the last week or so.  I wouldn’t go as far to say that I’m completely happy, but I think I’m on my way.  I’m still kind of tired of the whole school thing.  I feel like it takes so much effort for me just to make it through the day.  But hey, I’m a senior, it’s supposed to be like this right?  I don’t know.  I guess I have to wait for things to get rolling again.  We start on stage for Sweeney next week, I’m excited.  Guard was unfortunately canceled for tonight due to the weather, which is currently doing nothing.  As much as I like having a break from guard, we start competing in two weeks.  We have a lot of work to do.  But I’m pretty excited for this show for some reason.  May it’s the whole senior year, “I have to make the most of it” thing.  I don’t know what to talk about…

Like I said, I think I’m on the road to recovery from whatever attacked me over break.  I’m trying my hardest to think positively about many things.  I’m still kind of just floating by.  I guess it’s really because of the lack of regularity with my schedule currently.  It’s pretty sad I rely so much on being busy.  But I really am trying not to dwell on the bad things that are happening right now.  I mean of course I’m upset one of my dreams isn’t possible, but I’m trying to look at the good things that could come from this.  idk It’s tough.  And so what if it may never work out with me and the boy.  I’ll live.  I mean I guess there’s still a chance, but whatever.

Alright enough of that.  On to a different topic, I went to the doctor for my back yesterday.  He thinks I have a tear in one of my vertebral discs in my lower back, I think?  I honestly didn’t really understand what he was saying.  But any who, I have to go to physical therapy  for a month and then I have to go back to the doctor’s.  If it isn’t better I have to get a MRI.  I’m seriously falling apart at 18.  In the past year I have been diagnosed with my retarded hips, a cyst on my wrist, and this back issue.  huh.  I can’t imagine me at 50 haha.  I know how interesting this entry was haha.  

(ugh.  this is a hard one for lyrics.  they may not match really)

You can’t disguise a heart while it’s breaking.  You hide behind the smile you’re faking.  It’s all about the the chance you’re taking.  Oh, and you know that you’re making it all come alive

If you care to read.

Fuck.  Fuck.

Well now that that’s over.  I… uh.  I wish that I could have this really happy entry telling you about how I got into college or about how the boy (my “he” hahah for all you oldies) confessed his love for me, but unfortunately my life isn’t that awesome.  You probably think I’m the most depressed person ever because of my last couple entries.  I’m not.  It just hasn’t been a good month for me.  It’s so weird because I’ve gone so long without legit liking someone… I forgot how much it hurts.  I just wish I truly knew how awesome it could feel too.  But sadly I get too scared.  I over think everything.  I just wish something good would happen.  Like it seems like one shitty thing has happened after another: shit grades, no acceptance letters, boy, my sister buying a dress without me, no time, my friends fighting… 

But i don’t know… Let’s try and find some good stuff in my life right now.  My sister is home, which I guess is cool.  Winter break is two school days away.  And then Christmas.  I feel like I’m mending some relationships with my friends.  Oh, if you are a frequent reader (haha) you would know I was concerned about not getting a rifle solo (in the entry The Wilting), but I got it!!! I’m like so excited.  Hmm what else.

I guess thats it for now.  I’m super tired and have a ton of homework tomorrow.  bed.

We’ve all got scars as big as ours. A token for the pain we hide inside of us. Everyone’s scared that somebody knows. You push it aside, yeah that’s how it goes. If you’ve ever heard a beating heart. A rhythm for the songs we’re too afraid to sing. Nobody here is perfectly fine. A delicate frame, a fragile design.

I’m sorry for failing you…

Sorry for the extremely over dramatic last entry.  It was how I was feeling at the moment.  And unfortunately this one won’t be much different.

I cried today, first time in a little.  I happened to be driving, it’s weird crying when you are driving for various reasons.  I like don’t even know where to start.  So many things are going on right now, I feel like I’m going to explode.  I don’t know, it just seems like everyone in my group of friends is mad at someone else within the group.  And the sad thing is, it seems like that because it’s true.  I just… huh I’m tired of the fact that all we do is talk behind each other’s backs.  I’m tired of complaining to one of my friends about the other.  Thats not what friends do, however cliche that sounds.  These sentences don’t even make sense right now, I’m sorry.  I feel like I have been trying so hard recently to please everyone.  I’m almost gone back to my old ways of being a different person with each of my friends.  And honestly, I hate that.  I just hate how things are going right now.  It seems all I ever hear is “I hate this person so much” “Why is whoever so annoying”  ”Blah, blah, blah is a bitch.”  And the horrible thing is I’ve been saying a lot of those things too.  What is wrong with me?  When did I become such a bad person.  I can’t even imagine what my friends say behind my back.  It’s probably terrible, seeing as what some of them say to my face is pretty bad.  

Which I guess brings me to my next topic.  No, I don’t even know what to say about that… it’s not worth it.  I just feel like I’m ready to talk.  I’m tired of just keeping it inside.  Let’s just get things out in the open and if that causes me to lose “friends”… so be it.  And for those that really are my true friends…. I’m sorry for failing you.  I’ve been a shitty friend recently.  It’ll change.  I promise.

and this boy.  huh.  my life.

Don’t Look Back in Anger

So here it is, another sad ending to a holiday break.  I hate going back to school after a long break, it’s just that much harder to go back the longer you’ve been out of school.  And it’s a full week.  Last week I only went to school for one full day due to my illness, so this week is going to be a battle.  

Anyway.  Last night was the first and only time I went out all weekend.  It was enjoyable, quite actually.  One of my friends hosted an open mic night.  It was really fun.  There was an interesting arrangement of people.  Kind of nice to think that all these people came together to support their friend in her efforts to help the community.  It was also interesting to see how many people, well boys, can play guitar and feel comfortable enough to play for people.  It was nice to just listen to the music.  It was also awesome when the crowd would join in on the songs.  When they played Wonderwall pretty much everyone in the room sang.  It was really cool.  After that there was a big argument as to who’s house we would go to.  Btoch ended up winning.  It was nice there, pretty chill.  Most of us ended up leaving at midnight and then a couple of us decided to go to a diner.  That was quite fun as well.  We just talked, covered a wide array of topics.  Talked about theatre and how it has changed over the years, interesting to think about.  I got home around 2:00am and then couldn’t fall asleep until after 3:00.  I woke up this morning feeling horrible and just laid on my couch for an hour.  Now I sit here writing this and dreading the fact that I should really be doing my homework.  I guess I should do that.  

 

Slip inside the eye of your mind. Don’t you know you might find. A better place to play. You said that you’d never been. But all the things that you’ve seen. Will slowly fade away…

Just nothing…

So it’s Thanksgiving break, well it’s a four day weekend.  I’m already half way through and I’ve done absolutely nothing.  I’ve come to realize, once again how much I depend on being busy.  Honestly I get more stuff done when I have no time, than when I have tons of time.  If that makes sense.   When I have nothing to do I become completely unmotivated and don’t feel like doing anything.  Hopefully the next two days of break will be more eventful or at least more productive.  

I kind of want to go shopping tomorrow.  Mostly because I haven’t gone shopping in awhile and am lacking in clothing.  I don’t know who to do with though.  Usually I would just ask my sister, but she decided to go off to England.  I guess that won’t work out too well then.  My second pick would be Emily, but she is apparently in New York until tomorrow night, soooo that won’t work either.  I would ask one of my other friends, but I want to like legit shop.  You know, not just goof off and try stuff on.  

Hmmm well I’m realizing how pointless this entry is.  I guess I should go to bed and hope tomorrow brings something more exciting.

It never ends…

Alright.  So Nationals was this past friday, which was like a tragedy in and of it’s self.  O God where to even begin?!  We get out early to practice on the football field and let me just tell you what an epic fail that was.  ugh.  Like my hand was KILLING me from when I caught my five on rifle super hard and slightly awkward.  Which happened to be like almost a week earlier, but the almost constant spinning wasn’t helping it.  (I hurt it Saturday, competition Sunday, practice Tuesday and Thursday, and then it was Friday and I was spinning again) So anyway, good old Methacton guard of course sucked the practice before Nationals.  Cause you know my life can never be easy.  I mean I didn’t have a horrible run through, but it wasn’t the best.  So then after practice I have to lug my stupid fucking bench back up to the band room.  And then after bringing my stuff to the bus, I realize I have to take it even farther to the busses. (I am beyond happy that I don’t have to deal with those benches anymore.  Fucking props.) So we get on the bus and make our way to Annapolis.  We ended up getting there a little late, but luckily the guard started make-up/hair almost as soon as we got on the bus, so we were good.  But we get off the bus and Jeff isn’t there and the instructors keep saying he’ll be here any minute.  Well he finally gets there and we start warming up.  Off course we suck still, cause life hates me.  I’m like kind of pissed off by this point and just want to get this show over with.  

So lets give a little background.  I’m a senior, incase you didn’t know.  And when you’re a senior people like to remind you of that fact, especially when the activity you’re in is close to ending.  So everyone is like “oh are you sad it’s your last competition blah blah blah”  And I would always say it hadn’t hit me yet. Wellll we walk on up to the stadium (carrying my stupid bench), see the field and it hits me.  Like WHOA, this is my last competition.  WHAT! REALLY?  My heart starts pounding and my eyes start to get all watery.  After setting our benches to go on the field, we go back with the rest of the band.  Dominick starts giving us a little speech and HOLY SHIT! I like lose it.  And then I give a speech to the guard about doing this for you and for no one else.  It doesn’t matter what place we get, as long as you did your best and had fun. And then Mr. Leonard gives  a speech to the entire band.  And I’m not really sure if he could say “this is your last” or “the last time” or any other variation of that sentence any more times. HUH. It was like so sad.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I remember seniors crying before and I thought it was a little overkill, but when it’s you it’s so hard. 

I’m like soooo nervous.  My heart is beating out of my chest and I’m literally crying.  I compose myself in time to go onto the field, but I’m still like going to pee myself I’m so nervous.  I stand in my opening set and try to take deep breaths.  I don’t even know the last time I was this nervous.  Like maybe freshman year, I don’t even know.  I was shaking.  No like SHAKING.  It takes me to almost the end of the first song to stop. I went through the rifle work praying I wouldn’t drop from me shaking (I made it through btw.  caught my quad on rifle on the half, but caught my five AWESOME)  Any who skip ahead to sabre.  Let’s to clear up how I hate sabre.  I don’t actually hate it, I just wasn’t taught it properly and therefore suck at it.  Sophomore year it was like “hey you’re on sabre line, spin this”  So I have gotten used to really bad techniques.  I get to this really impactful (not a word, but I like it) moment, where the rifles toss, then the sbares toss and then the song cuts off on this cool sound.  And guess what… yes I fucking DROPPED!!! Who the hell drops their senior year at Nationals.  Who?  Like really?  jesus christ.  So I get off the field after the show pissed as anything.  I walk off and just start crying.  Not only was it my last show with this marching band, but I sucked! Then we go over to Jeff and he is of course just positive reinforcement central.  He pretty much confirms that we sucked and I just start bawling and he just keeps going.  I couldn’t take this, I felt like a complete and utter failure.  In my head I was like “jeff just stop, really just stop, you can just stop talking right now”  At this point I just want to leave, I can’t take being there anymore with other bands being able to see me.  We go back to the busses and as we wait to load the benches (fucking benches) I give the guard a nice little speech (which I of course start crying during) about how much guard means to me and how much I hope everyone stays with it.

Anyway I could go into so much more detail, but I should really go to bed.  I guess I’ll write another entry about theatre and the fact that opening night! is tomorrow later.

Rambling…

So it’s been awhile, which I knew was going to happen.  It’s summer now and has been for just over three weeks and I’ve pretty much accomplished nothing.  I went to some parties, a day trip with my friends, my cousin’s wedding, the movies once, and I’ve had marching band practice a couple times.  But mostly my days consist of me getting up … watching TV …. going online … my mom yelling at me for not doing anything around the house … me cleaning a little … trying to find someone to hang out with … more online … more TV … oh and Collegeboard.  Collegeboard has really become my best friend this summer.  I have been stressing about college so much since school let out.  Like most normal people stressed the whole school year and they worked really hard and got fairly decent grades.  But yeah, not me.  I just went with Junior year.  I figured I knew what I was doing (I’m a teenager it comes with the territory).  But know I’m literally freaking out.  Yesterday I got a headache from stressing out so much.  All my friends are so smart and have so much going for them and the saddest thing is that their “safety schools”, are like the colleges I’m scared of not getting into.  GAH.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  For some reason I decide to get my ass in gear, after I can’t do much.  I’m going to apply to my top two school in August, which means my October SAT scores aren’t even going to matter. GRRRR.  This sucks so much.

And to top this lovely summer off, all my friends are at least 300 miles away.  They are all off learning and exploring the world and I’m here in Trooper wasting my life away.  So I pretty much have NO ONE to talk to, except three boys who have to make everything a joke.  Like maybe once in awhile I want to be serious or maybe I just need to talk.  I can’t fucking say one thing without them jumping on me for it.  And then we I say something about it all I get is, “you need to relax and have fun.”  If you knew all the stuff that was going on in my head right now…  And what’s the point?  I can’t open up to people anyway.  It’s like every times I try to tell them something, I back out.  UHHH.  Why can’t I just stay in high school forever.  I hate all this stress and drama!

Alright I guess that’s it.  I need to go to bed.

Happy Fourth of July!