This feeling

There’s this kind of feeling you get when you have to make big life decisions.  And there are all these feelings you get when you’ve made that decision and realize that your life will change drastically.  I’m the type of person that likes to think.  Dwell may even be a good word.  I like to dwell on things.  If there is something that is affecting me or will affect me greatly, I like to dwell on it.  A lot is going on for me right now.  A lot in the kind of way that absolutely nothing is going on right now and I’m just waiting for the fuse to be ignited.  I’ve been doing a lot of waiting recently.  In some senses I’m so totally ready to get a move on and leave this life of patience behind, but in others I wish I could just press pause.  I can feel the whisper of my future in my ear.  It’s just starting to make itself heard.  I’ve been putting some things off for quite a bit of time.  Embarrassment is probably the main reason I’ve waited so long.  Fear could possibly play a large part in it too.  I’m not good with change and here I’ve brought it upon myself.  I’m not the type of person that regrets.  There are times that I wish I had made different decisions, but usually things turn out fairly well.  I think I know the feeling of regret now.  It comes around at certain times and just hangs out for a bit.  I guess it’s good that it doesn’t stay long.  Maybe that means it’s not real.  It doesn’t feel good though.  I don’t want to feel like I’ve made a mistake.  Time will tell I guess.

So there is also this feeling you get when you just want things to be okay.  You want things to be normal.  Not extraordinary, just normal.  But the thing is, getting to normal seems so difficult.  So unobtainable.  And I just think, or dwell, or overanalyze, or do one of the many things I do… well I wonder if it’s even worth it.  If that’s what should happen.  If okay is really okay.

I just want to know today, know today, know today.  I just want to know something today.  I just want to know today, know today, know today.  Know that maybe I will be okay.

Advertisement