Looking to the future.

It’s around 4:00pm on October 19th.  I’m sitting at my computer with a horrible headache and currently skipping color guard practice.  So it’s been eighteen days since I last wrote… what’s happened?  Nothing too eventful at all that I can think of.  Homecoming was a couple weeks ago, not all too exciting.  At that point I was pretty much just counting down the days until fall break, counting down the days until I was going home.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  haha.  My weekend consisted of hangouts, dinners, working, and more hangouts.  I honestly had a great weekend.  And then of course there was going to see Next to Normal.  I can’t even express how much I loved the show.  It was simply amazing.  My excitement didn’t start to build until we found the theatre and then it escalated as one of the actors, Aaron Tveit, walked right past me.  I was completely in awe.  Seeing the stage was awesome, I started to get those like pre-show nerves that I usually get before I perform a show and this time I was just watching!  The show started and I was blown away.  I can’t even tell you how good it was.  During the song “Make Your Mind/Catch Me I’m Falling”  I just completely lost it.  I starting crying because it was in that moment that I was reminded how much I truly loved theatre and acting.  The entire cast of six was onstage and it was then that I realized that I can’t live without this.  the second act kept me crying, a combo of the show material and this love I think.

But after the show I seriously was just in shock.  As strange and cliche as it sounds, my world was completely turned upside down.  I realized that maybe theatre is what I need to do with the rest of my life.  I mean I had been thinking about it for a couple weeks, but for some reason this show just seemed to set it off.  And now I’m in this weird period of figuring if it’s the right thing for me.  I mean I probably won’t go for acting or at least not just acting.  I could see myself as a stage manager or prop manager or some other production staff.  Of course I would still try to act on the side and maybe grow as a performer and who knows maybe even get a lead in a show haha.  I don’t know.  Some days I can completely seeing myself doing this for the rest of my life, I mean I really do love it.  I feel like I have to love it in order to have the reaction to the show that I did.  But other days I realize how very hard it is to make it in this profession.  How unstable my income will be.  And I think about how my parents will react when I tell them.  I really am just confused right now.  I’m auditioning for two shows in three weeks. I need to see how I am outside of Methacton.  I hope I get a part and if not, hopefully I can work on the production somehow.  I think I need to just submerge myself in theatre again.  I need to see if I still love it outside of my little theatre company in high school.  I hope it’s not like color guard where my complete passion for it just dies.  I really hope that my love stays and maybe even grows.  I know this is like super cheesy, but I don’t know.  I’m just really confused and have a lot of thinking to do.  A lot.

Take this chance and we’ll make a new start.  Somewhere far from what keeps us apart.  And I swear that somewhere in the night there’s a light, a light in the dark.

We can only go up from here

Oh well hello there.  It’s October 1st, can you believe it?  In many ways it doesn’t seem all too surprising but when I start to think about it, October has startled me a little.  I moved into my lovely (ha) dorm almost six weeks ago and started class almost five.  I haven’t seen some of the most important people in my life in like seven weeks.  So many things have changed, too many to name.  The last time I wrote I was going through a really hard time which continued up until very recently.  Lets say Monday of this week?

I moved into my new school nervous, but excited.  I knew it was going to be hard; meeting friends, college classes, having a roommate, being away from the people I loved.  And it was going to be so much harder because I was leaving behind a life that I had completely loved for the past four years.  So I would be kidding myself if I said I didn’t think it was going to be hard.  But I always thought I had that one thing that would help me along.  Color guard.  My life in many ways.  It was something I knew and something I realized I was actually pretty good at.  Color guard actually was a fairly big factor in me picking this particular school, though I hate to admit it.  So it all started with band camp.  We auditioned for weapon all morning.  It was rough, but somehow I made both rifle and sabre.  I was excited.  And then the days ticked by and things started to get really hard.  I was so used to being the best.  I was used to waiting for people to catch up to me.  I was spoiled.  The work was not only challenging, but it was fast.  I’m the kind of person that needs things broken down.  The first day I’ll suck, but once I understand it I’m fine. But I never got a chance to breathe, I never got a chance to get good.  They just kept throwing things at me.  I stated to crumble under the pressure.  I somehow lived through band camp, my hardest one yet.  I had made some friends from guard.  People that I ate with and such.  But I was missing home already.  I missed knowing people.  I missed everything.  School started and I went to my classes, they didn’t seem too bad.  But something felt so wrong.  I remember walking back to my dorm one day, looking around and thinking this isn’t the right place for me.  I was scared.  I felt stupid.  I let color guard pick my school and didn’t even like it.  How could I be so foolish?  So what now?  I let it go for a little.  I’m not really the type of person to tell everyone my every problem.  I started to rush for a sorority my sister did in college.  I was actually having fun.  And then a week later when I got the call that I wasn’t getting a bid… I lost it.  It seemed like everything was going wrong and I had no way to make it better.  I hated the one thing that I thought would get me through this transition and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything.  It was time to tell someone.  I messaged my sister “I didn’t get a bid for TBS.  I don’t like color guard at all.”  I felt horrible.  I was only two or so weeks into school and I didn’t know how I was going to survive.  I talked to my sister about my future and my life and plans, I was happy to have someone to talk to.  Another week went by and I had to go home on a Sunday to get something for guard.  When I was home my dog fell down the stairs.  It was honestly the scariest thing ever.  I have never heard a dog scream like that in my life.  I was literally shaking for like a half an hour after she fell.  I was scared and convinced that she broke her leg.  I went back to school that night worried.  Everyday I would call my mom asking how she was.  Every time I would start tearing up just thinking about what would happen.  Wednesday I got a call during one of my classes.  I knew something was wrong.  I called my mom back, they were talking her to the vet.  Call them back after color guard they told me.  And then everything just got worse.  I called and I knew.  ”She broke a bone in her leg, the surgery would cost thousands of dollars.  She’s lucky to have lasted this long.  We decided to put her down.”  My world was crushed.  I was still at practice and fell to the ground crying.  How could this happen.  It was my fault, I should have carried her down the stairs.  I went back to my dorm and I felt like my life had ended.  I didn’t know what to do.  My brother came down to spend time with me and I decided to go home for the night.  I pretty much cried on and off for the next three days.  We didn’t end up telling my sister until Friday and it was horrible hearing her talking about.  She was crushed as well.  It was a rough couple days.  I’m still kind of in denial.  I think because I’m not at home it’s hard for me to accept it.

But now things are slightly better I guess.  I don’t hate color guard anymore, but I don’t love it by any means either.  I’m trying to force myself to be happy.  It seems to be working a little.  I still don’t know what my future holds.  Where I will be.  What I’ll be doing.  I still miss my friends more than words can describe.  I miss theatre.  I have to decide what activities I will be doing this winter.  I have my first test tomorrow and then one Tuesday and Thursday.  I go home Friday night. Sunday I’m going to see Next to Normal.  Monday is my birthday.  I’m pretty excited.  I get to see some of my favorite people in the world.  Eat normal food.  Sleep in my bed.  Take a break from color guard.  Go back to Methacton.  See a broadway show.  And be home for my birthday.  I hope things will continue to go up.  Because those three weeks were completely horrible, I think I deserve some happiness.

There’s a world, there’s a world I know. A place we can go where the pain will go away.  There’s a world where the sun shines each day.  There’s a world, there’s a world out there.

Could it be?

Have you ever felt like what you were doing wasn’t the right thing.  Like you aren’t in the right place, at the right time, and you aren’t doing the right thing.  Thats kind of how I feel right now.  Something about what I’m doing doesn’t seem right to me and that really scares me.  I don’t know why, but for some reason I just feel like I’m not meant to be here.  I know it’s still early and I’m definitely going to give it a chance, but I don’t know it’s just something that is telling me no.  Something is telling me I need to somewhere else.  I guess we’ll see how it goes.

And so it begins.

So I’m here.  I’m officially in college.  Band camp was a rough 5 1/2 days.  It was way harder than I had expected.  I made rifle and sabre lines even though I didn’t even try out for sabre.  I’m not really looking forward to being on the line because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with the work.  Huh.  I guess we’ll see.  I was so amazingly sore like most of band camp.  And I got sick on Wednesday and am now just feeling better.  I jammed my finger on the first day and it’s still swollen. And I got a wicked bruise on my leg.  I don’t even know what to say about college so far.  I haven’t been to any crazy parties yet or like done anything stupid.  I’ve just been hanging out a lot.  I miss my friends so much.  It’s so weird that they aren’t here with me now.  I don’t think it’s really hit me yet that I’m staying here.  It still feels like some like adventure I’m doing for a couple weeks and then I’ll go home and things will go back to normal.  It’s so hard making new friends.  I forgot how much work it was.  I mean I have some people that I hang out a lot, but like they are nothing compared to my friends.  They are just kind of cool people.  I hope I meet some cool people that I really bond with.  I knew I was going to have a hard time, but like ugh it’s just weird.

My schedule isn’t too bad.  I’m trying to drop one of my classes in order to take up a theatre class.  I miss acting more than words can describe.  I think I’m really going to like two of my classes though.  Huh.  I don’t even know what to talk about.  I’ll keep you guys updated.

Never Forget

I can’t even explain to you how sad I am right now.  I know the way of life is to move on the next big thing.  It’s to leave the past behind and take the next step.  I just don’t know if I can do it.  I want so much to hold on to everything I have right now.  I can’t believe I have to let it go.  I don’t want to.  And I know I’m like one of the few people who doesn’t want to move on, but I’ve had the best four years of my life in high school.  My activities.  My friends.  Everything.  The past couple weeks I’ve been thinking about everything that I have taken for granted, but it will be weird to live without.  For one, I have worried to much about leaving my fellow seniors that I forgot about all those underclassman.  I forgot about all those other people that I cared about, that I loved, and that I will surely miss.  It’s hard to think that they will all still be together.  Creating memories together and we will be separated at various colleges.  I’m really going to miss them.  And everything.  I’m going to miss the hallways of Methacton.  Meeting in Welsh’s room in the morning (which I did for 3 years).  Driving to school.  Walking with my friends to various classes.  The sound of the bells.  The cafeteria.  Meeting in the lobby/Welsh’s after school.  Play practice.  Calling my parents for food.  Getting changed for guard.  Home football games.  Bus rides to competitions.  The dance studio.  Backstage.  The chorus room.  Making plans at play practice.  Doing (or not doing) spirit.  Band camp.  Mini camp (ha not).  Staying at school for 14 hours straight.  Coming back to school at 12:00am (or later).  Gym (maybe).  Mr. Savitz’s room (which I had a class in for 3 years).  All day rehearsals.  Club pictures.  Assemblies.  Pep rallies.  Practicing in the parking lot.  Getting my mic.  Getting locked out of various rooms in the school.  Auditions.  Leaving school with like 5 bags.  Doing my homework in homeroom.  Saturday rehearsals.  Moving from gym to gym for indoor.  Folding the floor.  Sitting on stage.  Being in school.  Everything.  I’m going to miss everything.

I’m trying so hard to hold on to everything I have right now.  I’m trying to make my last week awesome.  To see tons of people.  Have tons of hang outs.  And just create more memories.  I will be calling out of work as much as I can, because I don’t care if I lose like $70.  My friends mean so much more to me than that.  So like if you see me, give me a hug or just sit and talk with me.  I’m trying to soak everything in.   I’m going totally middle school here and doing the stupid initial thing of my friends.  Shall be fun haha.  MO. MB. PG. AC. AS. BT. AD. KW. EH. JC. MR. CP. MS. MK.  I’ll miss you.  You mean the world to me.

Confused

It’s 1:47am.  Who knows why I’m still awake.  I just need to talk you know?  I love/hate when these things sneak up on you.  These feelings of complete happiness, but then complete loneliness.  And it really has come at the worst possible time ever.  I move into my dorm in 2 weeks.  I’m leaving so soon.  I’m leaving everyone so soon.  The thing is, whenever this little guest comes to play, I always doubt it.  Every. single. time.  I always think it’s just me over-analyzing everything.  But right now, that feeling that I always get is here.  The feeling of happiness and then pain.  And I can’t let it happen.  2 weeks.  Why?  And of course it’s a little different this time and I’m so much more confused.  There is the old feeling that I’m used to.  And then there is the new one that surprised me.  How much I wish it was more than 2 weeks.  I’m just confused and hopefully this will pass and hopefully I can stop worrying.

Come on, you could change me.  You could steal me.  You could turn all the lights on and show me the real me.  Then maybe, if I’m lucky you’ll offer me protection.  You could even heal me.  Just meet me at my window.

Summer days drifting away…

It’s August can you believe it?  I have started to write roughly like 4 times.  There is so much, yet so little going on in the summer.  Like I’m pretty busy right now.  The summer started off fairly slow, but has now picked up.  I leave for band camp in three weeks and it is finally starting to hit me.  I have a new job at a salon for kids.  It’s pretty crazy actually.  I work with 5 of my friends so it’s really cool.  I work a lot now though.  Like between the two jobs I work almost 50 hours next week.  But I like to busy.  I’m honestly pretty chill with my life right now.  I like getting up every day and having something to do and I like spending time with people I enjoy.  I mean it is sad that my “core” group of friends really hasn’t had much time to hang out this summer.  Actually we haven’t had a hang out with just us all summer.  I really miss those times and hopefully we can have one before we all go off to college.  I honestly love them all.  And I think this summer has proved that to me.  It’s hard for me to go a couple days without talking to one of them.  And they just make me happy.  ( seriously I’m crying right now… wtf).  I guess I’m worried our friendships will end.  I’m worried that college will change us.  I mean, I guess it will.  But I don’t want it to change us so much that we won’t get along anymore.  I don’t know if I’ve ever cared about any of my friends as much as I care about these people.  I hope when we come back for Christmas we can hang out and it will be like we were never apart.  Huh what else?  Well like I said I’m pretty happy with my life.  I have awesome friends.  I have two jobs and am making the cash money.  Sure my feet hurt almost everyday and sure I don’t get as much free time as I would like to, but things are going pretty well.

I can’t even think of what to write about and this is why I haven’t posted.  Well I have decided to make a list of things I want to do in my lifetime.  I kind of already had a list in my head, but I decided to start writing them down.  There are like 12 things on the list so far.  One of them is to see at least 15 broadway shows in my lifetime. I hope to add another one or two to my list of one soon.  Here are some shows I want to see:  West Side Story revival.  Hair revival.  Next to Normal.  Wicked.  Hamlet.  Some Disney show.  I really want to see a show with the original cast, so Next to Normal is high on my list right now.  Also there is the fact that I love the music.  But yeah, so I’ve got that going on.  Honestly I have no idea what to write like, uhhhh. Idk.

Here is my summary of senior week that I wrote on July 1st,

Well here we are.  It’s officially summer.  My entries will be rare in summer I think.  Nothing much really happens.  There are graduation parties, hang out sessions, trips to the movies, but really nothing too monumental happens.  Well at least not to me.  So what has happened in the almost three weeks since I last wrote? (Can you believe that I graduated three weeks ago?! Crazy)  Anyway, there was senior week.  Which was honestly amazing.  I mean, nothing too eventful happened.  We didn’t get wasted every night.  Well we didn’t get wasted at all.  There was kayaking.  Frolf.  Hikes.  Fires.  Many, many games of asshole.  Some nice talks.  Beach volleyball!  A trip to the beach.  Followed by a trip to the emergency room.  And a lot more.  It was the definition of chill I’d say.  It showed me once again how much I truly love my friends and how much they mean to me.  It also gave me hope that we will all stay in touch during our years in college and beyond.  It also proved to me that we are the best when it is just us.  When it’s just the 5 or 7.  When we add all those other people, things just become so much more stressful.  At least thats what I think.  So anyway.  That was senior week.

Kind of a boring entry after a month and a half of not writing… sorry.

Here’s to you Class of ‘09

How do you even begin to sum up your high school graduation.  I mean, it’s supposed be the biggest day of my life so far.  I guess in many ways it is.  I would say it’s the biggest day of my life so far because it’s a day that sums up all of the “big days”  I had in high school.  Well I guess all of the big days I’ve had since kindergarten.  I think for many people that day will define high school for them, but not for me.  I don’t want the day that I left, the day that I was supposed to look back on my last four years, my last thirteen years, to define everything.  Sure it was important, but all of high school was important to me.  I can’t even tell you how nervous I was.  As soon as we started to walk down the hallway I started to get nervous.  I felt like I was going to perform one of the biggest roles of my life.  All I really had to do was walk across a field and sit in a chair.  I was still nervous though.  I think it was at that moment that I realized that was my last walk down the hallway as a Methacton student.  It was the last time that I could call the 400 and some people around me my classmates.

We all go into high school scared in someway.  Scared that we won’t make friends, that we’ll get lost, won’t get good grades, won’t find an activity we like, won’t have fun.  We are scared by the upperclassmen, because really who knows what they could do to us.  We are scared by high school classes.  The thought of trying to find people to sit with at lunch on that first day.  We are scared of failure and of rejection.  We are scared we won’t compare.  What if we are late to class?  What if we forget our book?  What if we go to consumer decisions instead of gym?  The thought of high school scared us all in some way if not many ways.  As you get older the things we are scared of seem to decrease.  Of course some new fears are added to the pot as well.  A couple months into freshman year we know our schedule.  We know our way around the halls.  We know which seniors to avoid.  We know which ones to go to for help.  We’ve found an activity or two or three that we enjoy.  We realize that staying friends with people is not that difficult and making new ones is pretty easy too.  We may find some classes challenging, but really they’re not too bad.  By sophomore year we got this down.  Hey you know what?  We aren’t freshman anymore and therefore we know everything about everything or so we think.  We make sure the freshman know that they are at the bottom and above them… is us.  We soon realize that this year’s classes are much more difficult than the last.  Honors English, really?  Some of us make the varsity team.  Some get a part in the play.  We started to make new friends.  Get closer with old ones.  And even lose a couple.  But that’s how high school works right?  There are 16th birthday parties.  Permit tests.  Breaking rules.  Making grades.  We get to the end of the year we see another class leave.  This time it’s a little harder than the year before, we knew them better.  We were closer.  Now we’re juniors.  Upperclassmen.  How cool is that.  AP, who thought that would be a good idea?We know the school like the back of our hand by now.  We know which hallways to avoid.  We know which teachers are “cool”.  We realize how stupid we were as sophomores.  We can’t believe the class above us are the seniors.  Many of us become officers of our clubs.  We have much more responsibility.  We have to study for SATs.  Think about college.  We start to think about life after high school, as if there is one.  Getting good grades becomes much more difficult.  Friends are still coming and going.  Could it really be two years ago that we were freshman?  It seems like yesterday.  And then we have to see another class leave.  The hardest one yet.  Three years together, can’t believe they won’t be there next year.  Seniors.  This is it.  One last year.  The first week or so is weird.  It takes a little to get used to be the oldest in the school.  Stress is still high.  What colleges are you applying to?  Are you taking the SATs again?  What’s your GPA, class rank, how many extracurriculars are you in?  We have to set an example.  Finally the applications are all in.  All we can do is wait.  The first letters start to role in.  Accepted.  Rejected.  You realize that the seniors know a lot less and don’t have it all together as you thought as a freshman.  Fall sports begin to end.  The first of many lasts.  Senior Banquet.  Midterms.  All of a sudden minor things seem to be so much more important.  When you realize it is your last time doing something it starts to become much more important.  You begin to be thankful for everything.  You cry a lot more.  4 years of field hockey. or tennis. or the play. or marching band. or football.  And like that it’s over.  Four years of basketball.  swimming.  the musical.  indoor track.  And it’s done.  We begin to realize how extremely important our friends are to us.  How much we care about them.  School begins to matter less to us.  Hey I’m in college we think, what does it matter.  It becomes more and more difficult to pay attention.  To do homework.  To do any work.  All we want to do is create memories.  To make things last.  To look to the future, but not forget about the past.  The senior trip.  Who could imagined how much fun we would have.  We are so close to the end now.  Prom.  Classes begin to wind down.  We ran our last mile.  We are just putting our time in at this point.  Finals are so close now.  And then graduation practices.  Oh how we complained.  And how many of us wish we could go back to that moment when Ms. Landis was yelling at us about obligations.  And then it was time.  to walk across the field.  to sit our seats.  Listen to speeches.  Walk along our classmates for the last time.  Stand in line.  Hear our name.  Get our diploma.  This is what the last thirteen and especially the last four years has been adding up to.  Who could have believed that it would come so quickly.  Who would have guess that yesterday we would be scared of getting lost and now we are scared of leaving.  High school had become our home.  We knew the halls.  the teachers.  the classrooms.  the friends.  the faces.  We felt comfortable.  We felt at home.  From this day on we will step into that school as a mere visitor.  We have handed over our keys to the next class and the many others that will follow them.  We have left are mark and hopefully it was a good one.  We have made the team.  Scored the game winning goal.  Performed in the well remembered play.  Sang in the chorus.  Raised money.  Made the grades.  Got into college.  Inspired.  Influenced.  Made tons and tons of memories.

And now it’s time to leave it all behind.  It’s time to keep the memories in our head.  The remember all the lessons we learned.  To use all our experiences and step into the unknown.  It’s time to be scared again.

These years have passed us by so fast. It seems like we never got the chance to realize how good life really was. And let the moment last. And it feels like it was only yesterday when we walked into this place. And said I can’t wait till I get out of here. And now as we walk down this aisle. With four years all rolled up in a scroll, you can’t help but think. Hey, Where did the time go.

P.S This is from my entry entitled “And Now We are Seniors” – - Yes, I still have 9 months.  But I was 12, 6 years ago.  I was scared to go into middle school 6 YEARS ago.  It feels like last week.  9 months is a walk down a hallway… a blink of an eye…nothing. – - how right I was.

You have no idea.

Today was the senior show, a day that the members of theatre company look forward to from their freshman year.  I can vividly remember thinking of things that we would one day want to put into our senior show in sophomore year during Macbeth.  The Theatre Company has changed so much during that time, especially the members of my class.  Well the thing is I can’t believe that I just performed my senior show.  I can’t believe I just performed my last ever show on Methacton’s stage.  Tomorrow is my last official day of high school.  This day was never supposed to come.  I remember the end of freshman year when I was completely shocked that I was going to be a sophomore.  It seems like yesterday that I wanted nothing more than to stay a freshman forever.  And now all I wanted to is stay in high school.  I absolutely, completely loved high school.  No words can describe how much I learned, how much I’ve grown, and how many memories I have created.  

The thing is, theatre has been such a huge part of my life in high school.  I have completely taken for granted the feeling I get when I’m in the theatre wing.  I have taken for granted sitting backstage and feeling at home.  There was always a part of me that thought it would never end.  And there was a part of me that knew it would.  I can’t believe that the next time I see a Methacton production it will be from the audience.  I will have no part in the show.  And that is so hard to get used to.  I can’t even think of what to write because so many thoughts are going through my head.  I sat in the theatre today, in the front row as I have done so many times before and I felt so grateful for what I have experienced in that room.  I listened as our juniors gave us wonderful speeches.  I listened as they described each person in a way that is so special and accurate.  It felt so amazing to hear what a person could say about you.  To hear the things that they have thought, but have never said to you before.  The thing is, I have taken away SO much from Theatre Company and from the people in it.  It feels so great to know that I had a fraction of an impact on the people in that company as it has had on me.  

 I have a pretty low self-esteem. But I have gotten better at recognizing my good qualities over the last couple of years.  I know I do a lot for the company and honestly I always thought it went unrecognized.  I always thought that no one cared what I was doing.  All they care about was that it got done and it wasn’t them that was doing it.  And honestly I don’t really do things in theatre for the recognition, I do it because I think I’m supposed to.  I do it because I think it’s best for the company.  I do because I think if I don’t, who will?  Reading some of my good friend’s yearbook entries and hearing my speech tonight showed me that my deeds are recognized.  It showed me that people understand that I do work hard.  And honestly that meant more to me than anything.  

I can’t even say how much I’m going to miss theatre.  How much I’m going to miss walking across the stage.  Sitting on the couch.  Being in Welsh’s room.  Auditions.  Reading the cast list.  Sitting in the front row.  Learning dances.  Changes blocking 10 times.  Listening to Welsh “whisper”.  Hearing her yell at people.  Listening to announcements.  Giving announcements.  Yelling at people for talking back stage.  Watching sets being built.  Finding places for props.  Trying on costumes.  Warm up sessions.  Selling candy grams.  Giving out candy grams.  Performing.  Curtain calls.  Going out into the lobby after a show.  Cast parties.  Set strikes.  Starting all over again.  And so much more.  There will always be a part of me that will miss theatre.  I will use the lessons that I learned there for the rest of my life. 

I feel like I am almost too attached to high school.  It will be too hard for me to let it go.  As so many of my classmates are ready to move on, I’m trying to hold onto what I already have.  It just amazes me that theatre and color guard and my friends can mean SO much to me.  And I’m just expected to leave them behind.  Do they understand that without those things I don’t know who I would be.  Or where I would be.  I have honestly been changed forever because of high school and all the things I have experienced in it.  Graduation will be a sad day.  I am going to try my hardest to keep in touch with all my friends.  I hope we can stay in contact forever.  I love you guys so much.  You mean so much to me, you have no idea.

 

I will remember you.  Will you remember me? Don’t let your life pass you by.  Weep not for the memories.

A Blank Stage.

So about a month ago, we had to write a short essay for English.  This essay was supposed to modeled after An Essay of a Man.  Pretty much what we were supposed to do was write about something that has been influential in your life.  Something or somewhere where you learned a lesson or grew as a person.  I decided to write about color guard, because really… it made sense.  But upon finishing it, I didn’t like it.  Well not enough.  So I wrote another one about theatre and this is the one I handed in.  I’m going to post both, because I honestly kind of like them.  And for those of you that understand what I’m talking about… well I hope you enjoy.

Color Guard:

  There is this feeling.  This feeling I get when I perform color guard.  I have tried to describe it many times, to several different people, but I always seem to fail.  As I try to describe it, I just sound plain stupid because I can’t find the words.  Well, I can’t find the right words.  Putting this feeling into words is like trying to describe a sunset to a blind person.  There is just too much detail to explain, too many things to express.  You can say it’s red and orange and purple, but if a person has never seen those colors how can they imagine it.  They can’t.  It’s impossible to put the beauty and the magic of a sunset into words and this feeling is very similar.  It is one of those things you just have to experience.  And when you do, you realize that a description will never be enough.  

When I step out onto a green field I am in a completely different world.  A sense of determination rushes over me.  I feel more emotions than you would think humanly possible.  Anything from anticipation, to joy, to fright, to sadness.  And when I perform, the world goes away.  For eight or nine minutes, all that matters is what’s going on on the field.  Before I even step on the field the nerves begin.  My chest begins to tighten and I almost feel sick.  I think of every part of the show that I could mess up.  I then think of how it would look if I did it perfect.  Deep breaths in and out, as I try to calm my nerves.  It never works.  As I step on the field, I am greeted by that feeling.  The feeling that makes the eighty-four hours of band camp worth it.  It makes the hours in the ninety degree weather with almost no water breaks seem almost enjoyable.  It’s what you think of when you look back on your time in marching band.  Walking across a perfectly cut, green field with fifty of your friends, performing eight and half minutes to show what countless hours of practice has produced, that’s the feeling.  “Methacton is your band ready?”  One more deep breath before the music starts and you’re off.  When the show is over, the feeling either brings you happiness or disappointment.  A good show makes you feel on top of the world, a bad show makes you feel like a failure.  Another twelve hours of practice until you are faced with that feeling again. 

 

Theatre:

I walked out onto the empty stage and just sat and looked around.  There were no sets, or costumes, or lights, or even people.  Just a black stage, with a black curtain, and me sitting in the middle.  I looked out into the sea of empty chairs.  At this point they were just plain auditorium chairs, to most a place to sit during study hall or while watching a meaningless assembly.  It’s strange, but to me those chairs mean so much more.  They are where I sat at my first ever theatre audition.  They are where I sat for the first time as a member of the main cast and felt like I was finally a part of something.  Where I would talk in low whispers to a fellow actor about some drama going on in the company.  Where I watched as scenes where built before me.  They are where I sit at the beginning of every practice, as the entire company comes to discuss the goals for the day.  As I sit on the stage, I realize how much a room can mean to a person.  How looking at chairs can bring back memories.

I look around the stage.  It’s nothing but slabs of wood painted black.  A simple raised floor.  As I look I build the sets for each show I’ve been in with my mind.  I see the boat from Anything Goes, the dagger of Macbeth, and the rocks of The Tempest.  It seems so weird that this plain stage can be turned into a rocky island, or a crowded city, or a simple court room.  And in one year, it can go from a medieval Scottish kingdom, to a brightly colored, small town in the 1950’s.  

As the sets are being built, the people begin to spill onto the stage.  I hear lines from all the shows, from “I have made shake” to “I love you Conrad Birdie.” But it’s not the lines from the plays or song that stand out as I look across the stage.  It’s all the times backstage, all the inside jokes between scenes when we are just goofing off.  The chairs, the stage, and the shows would mean nothing if it weren’t for the people.  I can honestly say I am changed forever because of theatre.  

The chairs are filled with an audience who chattering loudly.  The house lights come down, the music begins to play, and a light on stage comes up.  People dressed in costumes appear, the show begins.  I blink, the chairs are empty, the stage bare.

 

 

 

I wanna hang onto something.  That won’t break away or fall apart.